remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
