Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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