I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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