brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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