You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize