mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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