Need sex. Gaining weight.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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