So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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