wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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