I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
