forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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