I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
