"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
