I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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