I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
