Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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