sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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