Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
