I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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