My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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