you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if only i could text you this smell
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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