Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
