i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
