i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Threesome in a minivan. New low
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
