I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I cut my penus on the lid.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
