I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
be right there i have to get my cape
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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