She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
