i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
