I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
