So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
