I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
