5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize