so let's talk penis.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry my hands just texted you
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
