dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
