When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
