Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Randomize
