Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
