She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I still have a little drunk in my system
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
