I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
