when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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