Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You can't just leave with hair like that
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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