The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hippo gnu deer
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
