Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
