my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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