note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Someone came in the potted fern
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
