I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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