I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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