I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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