i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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