at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
