Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
