cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
