Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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