oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
