I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize