I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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