I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
