Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
