I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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