My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Randomize
