Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
