She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
