My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
