I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
