I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
