So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
