I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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